Dear Body, Please Forgive Me

I was working on the practice of forgiveness.  I had gone through the list of all those people I saw as wounding me.  The grudge list.  The list of all the wrong that had been done to me.  It was time to let it go.  It was time to move into an empowered energy and create a different life.

I then began working on who I hoped could forgive me.  Whom I had harmed.  Whom I had treated poorly.  It was humbling, but I was able to compile that list as well.

I used mediation and prayer to help me see how to begin the process of making amends.  During one of those meditations, I had a jolt as I realized that I had forgotten to include the one thing I had done the greatest harm.  My body. 

My body that I had been absolutely at war with for a lifetime.

My body that for as long as I could remember, I had judged so harshly, pointing out every aspect I hated with words of vitriol and disgust.

My body that I looked at and saw only ugliness.  My body that I loathed.

My body that I felt so detached from it was if it was something separate from me.

My body that I realized I had abused for years, both physically and emotionally.

My body that I felt betrayed me.  My body that I felt had forsaken me.

My body that I cursed and accused of ruining my life.

My body that I had decided long ago was inferior, damaged, broken and disfigured. 

My body that I compared to everyone around me and come up lacking and inferior.

My body that I had chronically dieted and withheld the food it needed, while almost simultaneously overfeeding it to the point of pain.

My body that I had stuffed with food laden with chemicals from processing and artificially created and infused with fat and salt in amounts that I would never consume on my own.

My body that I had exercised to the point of pain. 

My body with perfect signals of hunger and fullness that I had ignored despite its pleading to hear.

My body that I had kept hidden under the cloak of shame by dressing myself in baggy clothes.

In asking for forgiveness, I realized I had taken it for granted and never given it the praise or appreciation for it continuing to function despite the abuse I have put it through. I committed to spending the rest of my days working to love my body and treat it with the awe and reverence it deserves.

As I thought about this relationship that I had with my body all those years, I started to ponder,

“How did this happen?  When did it begin?”

I realized the more important question was: “ When will it end?”

The answer was unequivocally, “NOW!”